Last night, I went to the Soap Factory‘s Haunted Basement with some friends.  I tend not to find haunted houses scary, and the Haunted Basement was no different.  The production values were good.  The actors were making a strong effort.  I once again failed to be scared.

The good news is that I didn’t start laughing uncontrollably.  I sometimes find haunted houses to be hilariously funny.

What would it take to make a truly scary haunted house?  Here are some thoughts:

• Beer goggles, like the ones used to simulate various levels of intoxication.  Would lessen situational awareness and severely restrict vision, leading to increased spookiness and impact of surprises.
• Actual ghosts.  Could be difficult to procure.
• Lots of chainsaws, lots of dental drills, lots of needles.  All of them make me squirm.
• Set in a naturally scary location, like an old mental hospital or a spooky forest.  The scarier the environment, the less needs to be added.
• Plainclothes actors (i.e., dressed like normal customers), who would be grabbed by costumed actors and subjected to various simulated gory deeds in front of the true customers.   Would provide a sense of actual danger, assuming that the plainclothes actors were convincing and the simulated deeds were sufficiently unexpected.

I wonder if there are any walk-through haunted houses presently in operation that are actually, you know, scary.